Tag Archives: changes

The Life and Times of Sucking at College

I considered writing something somewhat political today, but then I told that 5-second thought to fuck right off. I am so sick and tired of reading stuff that is partisan fueled and drenched in limited information and mediocre and vaugely understood facts. No, we don’t need anymore of that. I actually want to talk about college and what happens when you suck at it (in case you literally did not read the title). I graduated high school in June of 2015 with one goal in mind, to finish 6 years of school and become a Nurse Practitioner. Boyyyyy, did that not go as planned. First of all, I’m not entirely sure why they let 18-year olds try to map out the rest of their lives. It puts a figurative weight on your shoulders that seems more like a burden than the “freedom” they tend to label it as. I am now 20 and nothing that I planned two years ago still holds true. I was your typical high honor roll student who got accepted into an incredible and highly selective program. For me, college always seemed obligatory. There was no other option, but back then that was okay because I excelled at school. I never thought for one second that I would hate college or be terrible at it. Why should I? It wasn’t until I got there that I realized how awful it was. My first semester I worked my ass off and scraped together a 2.7 GPA. It was such a demeaning feeling. I had never done this bad at school and it was an utter fall from grace (or so it felt). I didn’t even have the “partied too hard” excuse to apportion the blame to, as I never attended a single party or made any friends that semester. Meanwhile, I saw my former classmates thrive at college and it made me want to scream “how are you doing this college thing so successfully??? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS”. I was about one caffiene-induced rage sesh away from selling my soul to the acadamia gods in return for even a morsel of passion for school.

I went home for winter break and started the transfer process to another school immediately. My parents were sceptical and claimed that I just had to give it some more time and I thought bullshit. I figured it was just the school and by January 15th, I was at my orientation day for my new university. Fast forward to the end of my second semester and I still had not made any friends or joined any clubs, BUT my GPA had increased to a 3.0 so I thought, Things must finally be going right.

Uhm, wrong.

I started my second year of school coming off of a massive break-up. As if I needed more of a reason to hate school, I got a beautiful depression mental mosaic to take back with me in my head. Not entirely conducive to the “loving college” mindset. I went home every single weekend for two semesters straight, I skipped class at least 2 times a week, and I turned in, maybe, every other assignement? It was the worst I had ever been at school EVER and it had me so pissed off at myself. My motivation was so astonishingly low and my imment failure so glaringly obvious. Did I have the drive to care? No, not really. Did I try to fix it? Absolutely not. It looked as if I went through the “Expectations” bin in my head and single-handedly tossed out every one of them. I finished off the 16-17 school year with a 2.6 average GPA and thought Nice, Morgan. Fucking brilliant you are. Well done.

Now, it is almost August and I have decided not to return to school. People have a lot of opinions about the college drop-out and, believe me, I do too, but when I say “college isn’t for everyone”, I mean it. It is perfectly okay to not like college. It is perfectly okay for you to decide that it is not helping you move forward in life. If it’s not making you happy, then it is not ultimately helping you succeed. Dropping out of college; however, does not mean that you settle. Go out and find something new. Do something different. Do something that scares you. I am moving to Nashville by November (hopefully) and I am scared as hell, but it is the first time in a long time that my future has excited me and that’s the goal. Your future should excite you. You shouldn’t be indifferent towards it. So here is my advice now in hindsight of my rough realization, If you love college, PLEASE stick with it because you will go far. If you hate college, give it a little time, possibly transfer, but don’t give up on it immediately. If you have, however, given it the best you had and still hate, then leave. No one is making you stay. You are too damn young to hate what you’re doing in life. Choose something that makes you happy and your motivation and your passion and your drive will all come flocking back and it is on the wings of those birds that you’ll fly.

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hang in there, babe.

I am reviving an old aspiration with this post. I had no idea that downloading and sifting through WordPress would cause a resurrection of a 15-year old version of myself. When I first downloaded this app, I was pretty sure this was the first time I had ever signed on to something like this, however, when I entered my email address I was greeted with the “this email is unavailable” message. So, I’m like, WHOOOOOO is using this email address? (Spoiler alert: it was just past me confusing present me). At 20, literally no one wants to have a run in with their 15-year old self. I had uploaded an awful profile picture of me wearing a Harry Potter t-shirt and making sure that you focused on the shirt more than my horrendous looking face and hair. To be fair, 15 was the last “ugly” year before I had my first glow-up (I had a second glow-up at 20, but I’ll talk about that in another post). So, really if I could say anything to this WordPress ghost, it would be to hang in there because you’ll start loving profile pics instead of dreading them. My usernames were basically the same stuff I have been using forever and still continue to use, but my profile bio?? I won’t recite it word for word, but if you think about what a Tumblr-addicted, Harry Potter loving girl would post in 2012, then that’s roughly what we were working with. I read it, cringed and laughed, then quickly deleted it and typed in something simple and hasty, anything to replace that ancient fossil from 2012, tucked away in this website for 2017 me to unearth. It is so funny to think about how much internet culture has changed in five years. In some weird way I miss how fandomy it used to be, but in other ways it definitely belongs in the archives. Getting back to the fact that this is my first post, I had originally joined this website as a 15-year old, stuck in a small town in Pennsylvania, who was so constantly frustrated with how stuck she really was. It is very liberating to log on, now 20, having lived in 2 other places, and planning on moving in November to Nashville. I now have the freedom to support myself financially to do these things that 15-year old me wanted so badly. I had never posted anything back then because I simply did not have anything to write about. I hated where I lived, I hated going to school every day and having the same boring routine. I was hopelessly lost in fandoms and slowly developing an eating disorder that would last another year. All of this will only be the tip of the iceburg for me because the next 5 years get incredibly interesting. I wish there was a way I could open this up in the past, for this whole thing to work in reverse, so that 15-year old could read and be reassured that life is not going to be so stationary. She DREADED being stuck where she was, but hey, it didn’t take long for things to change and pick up speed. She’d be so excited to see that this life is our own now and I am finishing what she so clumsily and half-assedly started. YOU’RE WELCOME!!! Life comes at you so fast, yet so slow all at the same time. It isn’t till you’re standing still that you realize how far you’ve come.